I’ve been reflecting on 2020 lately – as people sometimes do around the holidays – trying to reduce this year into its most basic parts in hopes of making some sense of it. For my family, 2020 will forever be “the year at home.” Through my efforts to identify some takeaways for 2020, though, I keep working my way back to the topic of manners and the idea that during a year when so many people have been pushed, challenged, opposed, polarized, and in some cases broken, it’s too bad 2020 won’t be known as “the year of good manners.”
I have somehow amassed in my home library what feels like a sizeable collection of books addressing manners or etiquette. How does a person end up with five books on manners? My grandmother gave me my first book about manners for Christmas when I was probably eighteen years old and I can still almost feel the mix of disinterest bordering on insult when I opened it and saw what it was. Thankfully, she didn’t throw me into the deep end right away by giving me a book from The Post Institute, but instead made an attempt to bridge the generational divide by giving me Letitia Baldrige’s New Manners for New Times.
Apparently, though, books about manners are standard Christmas gifts from grandmothers, because the first book that I made the decision to purchase (shopping the used books on Amazon) showed up with an inscription inside the front cover which said, “Colin – From Grandma, Christmas 2008. Please don’t take this personally – it’s really for the future.” At least Colin’s grandmother had anticipated his misinterpretation of the gift as a personal attack and left a permanent reminder in the front that it, indeed, was not.
In Tiffany’s Table Manners for Teenagers, we’re reminded of how to successfully navigate our way through a five-course dinner party — which knife and fork to use during the fish course, how to properly eat asparagus (with your fingers; who knew?), and who to talk to once you take your seat. In the Post Institute’s 17th edition of Etiquette, Peggy Post takes us on an 850-page journey through the do’s and don’ts of etiquette – everything from the rules of communication, to the rules for dinner parties, to how to raise proper children. But these books, while at times useful, feel obsolete and don’t seem to offer us much advice for our everyday lives.
I like Baldrige’s explanation of the difference between etiquette and manners. In her book, she explains that “etiquette is protocol, a set of behaviors that you can memorize,” while manners are “expressions from the heart on how to treat others.” Manners, she goes on to say, are each person’s ability to make order out of chaos and to make people feel comfortable. Etiquette offers rules to be learned, but to be well-mannered is to be situationally aware of how your words and actions can affect the way others around you feel. David Coggins – author of Men and Manners – describes to his readers that manners are the guidelines to living a civilized life, noting that how each person interprets the guidelines depend on the contour of his or her personality. To that point, I would suggest that manners actually do play a large part in shaping your personality and help to define who you are.
So what can be learned from these books, and why are they more important this year than in years past? Among other unwanted things, 2020 brought with it an increase in ugliness toward others, and a decrease in respect and empathy. The Post Institute says that even with the rules of etiquette, the foundational principles are respect for others, consideration of their feelings, and honesty – to not be deceptive. In his book, David Coggins makes the argument that decency needs to be restored to the public sphere, and I propose that right now is the perfect time to start that restoration. Let’s stop trying to prove we’re right, and others are wrong. Be quicker to give a compliment than a complaint. Send a thank you note. Resist the urge to leave that negative comment on someone’s post. Send a sympathy note to someone who has experienced a loss this year. Try to be more aware of how your actions and words are perceived by others, and how their actions and words may have been intended. Ask yourself what you can do to make someone else’s day better.
Maybe our grandmothers were onto something when they gifted us a book about manners. Colin’s grandmother even knew she was giving him a book he wouldn’t need then, but rather in the future. And while she couldn’t have predicted the events of 2020, she knew that no matter what lies ahead, her grandson would be better prepared to successfully handle any situation by knowing how to treat others with respect and decency.
Since manners are more of an art to be practiced over time to the point that it eventually becomes a part of your personality, I am thankful that we have our parents and grandparents who tried to put us on the right path from an early age. Being a person who practices good manners shows that at some point you were taught to think of others’ feelings. Maybe 2020 is the perfect time for us to start demonstrating our appreciation for their efforts by showing them that while their gifts may have been misunderstood when we received them, we understand now what the intention was behind them, and have taken their suggestions to heart – the proof of which can clearly be seen through our actions.